South Carolina To South Central (And Back)
I almost rear-ended a Jetta in Baton Rouge Lousiana because I was too busy looking for “best breakfast taco restaurant in Baton Rouge” on Google.
As I swerved across lanes my life starts flashing before my eyes. Unbelievable. 13 hours into my trip and I die IN LOUISIANA BECAUSE OF BREAKFAST TACOS.
Things thought about pre-collision:
- That time I cried into a hamburger because I realized how poor I was
- How dark my knees are compared to the rest of my body
- Some girl that smiled at me once while she held a pineapple
- How much of a bummer it is to not be able to grow a proper beard
Things I thought about post-(non)collision:
- Don’t Google and drive you fantastic idiot
- Why does everything in Louisiana end in -eaux?
- I’m not backtracking 20mins to get tacos
Amongst many other things you might be wondering why I thought about these things while I almost died, and what I was doing in Baton Rouge in the first place. While I’m unable to answer the first question the latter is easy:
I’m on a cross-country road trip. Columbia, SC to Los Angeles, CA (and back)
In an attempt to keep my friends/family/etc. updated on the status of my trip I’ve decided to keep track of my thoughts and travels for the next 2 weeks through Medium.
While I’d love to regale you with tales from my first leg of the trip (Columbia to Austin), it was fairly uneventful except for:
- The black guys at a gas station in Montgomery, AL who kept dogging me while they rolled a fat blunt up in their Tahoe, and proceeded to smoke it.
- Stopping in New Orleans for a cup of coffee. Nothing more, nothing less.
- Having Taco Bell in Breaux Bridge, LA (bringing my weekly Taco Bell total up to 3)
- Possibly falling asleep at the wheel outside of Houston, TX because I can’t remember how I got into Houston
- Seeing the most beautiful sunset of my life outside of Austin, TX
- Having killer breakfast tacos for dinner last night
Currently, I’m sitting at a coffee shop in Austin getting ready to eat all the food and buy all the records that my heart/bank account can handle.
I’ll catch you guys on my next stop (Big Bend National Park).
Austin To Big Bend
I almost take back everything bad I’ve ever said about Texas (which is a lot). Border Patrol, I’m looking at you.
Austin
Upon arriving I was greeted by food trucks on every other corner of the city, which made me incredibly happy because A) I love food and B) I really love food.
I ended up having the most incredible breakfast tacos of my life (twice in <12hrs), churros to die for, found a couple of solid records, and saw Earthless/Graveyard to wrap up my stay.
I never thought I’d ever admit to liking Texas as much as I do now, and actually look forward to planning an Austin-only vacation in the future.
En Route To Big Bend
My body isn’t what it used to be.
Once upon I time I used to be able to drive endlessly fueled only by Cheez-Its, Monster energy drinks, and adrenaline. On my drive to Big Bend I realized how much I’ve gotten used to eating the proper amount of real food on a daily basis, and how much my body currently hates me right now since I’m back on that Cheez-Its/Monster diet.
I had to stop and powernap twice in the span of 6 hours, but in my defense I departed Austin immediately after the show and hadn’t slept since 8am that morning.
The highlight of the drive was stopping in Bakersfield, TX to pump gas and walking into the store to ask for a receipt and EVERYONE in there (4 cowboys, 1 cowkid, 1 old lady at register) went silent and just stared at me. Like every movie in which a stranger walks into a bar and the music comes to a halt while the locals stop and stare — just like that. It was awesome.
Big Bend
I cannot begin to describe this place. It’s…nothing, and it’s absolutely beautiful.
The rock formations decorating a vast Texas sky provide a stunning and unforgettable scene, and it helps that there’s so many miles of it too.
I reserved a campsite and took a quick hike to Boquillas Canyon before passing out around 4:30pm due to exhaustion. Nothing sucks more than accidentally falling asleep half-naked in a sleeping bag and waking up at 3am freezing.
In the morning I decided to take the scenic route out of the park, which to my surprise, included 13mi of unpaved dirt road that must’ve been an incredible sight for everyone in trucks/SUVs to see. I made it though!
En Route To Marfa
I was enjoying the drive on Highway 118 so much until I had to stop by a Border Patrol station 20mi outside of Alpine, TX.
A clumsy German Shepard sniffed the perimeter of my car while a patrolman tried to distract me with questions like:
- Where are you coming from?
- Where are you going?
- Where are you from?
- Are you a U.S. citizen?
Luckily, the 3 tiny Mexicans in my trunk went undetected and I went along on my merry way (INS — this is a joke).
Currently, I’m sitting a coffee shop in Marfa, TX getting ready to head to Carlsbad Caverns. I’m not sure what’s on my agenda between there and L.A., so hopefully I figure it out soon. See you soon!
Los Angeles & Joshua Tree
I’ve started 2 different drafts for this leg of my trip but they aren’t…good. Let’s see if I can get it right this time.
Los Angeles
Due to my inability to stay on schedule, I had to skip a couple of potential stops in my trip since I was more keen on spending time at home than anywhere else.
So I drove from Big Bend National Park to Los Angeles.
As soon as I drove into California I could feel that West Coast magic oozing all over the place. And by magic I mean traffic.
I remember L.A. traffic being terrible, but I guess I forgot just how terrible it really is.
My first stop was in Long Beach to visit a dear friend and her boyfriend — coffee, a beach stroll, record stores, and Roscoe’s House of Chicken & Waffles.
Oh, and lots and lots of Bob’s Burgers (that’s a good thing).
After spending a couple of days in Long Beach, I headed up to South Central (aka South L.A.) to visit my family.
Where to start…
- Dad now has a killer beard. He and Stepmom are happy.
- Sister’s chihuahua wouldn’t stop trying to have sexual relations with my arm.
- Mom…was her usual self. I’d rather not go there.
- Brother was MIA from festivities due to mysterious circumstances.
- Oh yeah: Brother-in-law got tased by a drunk guy with a pink taser.
These are the people I love.
Joshua Tree
After crashing on my sisters couch (whilst warding off Chucky, the frisky chi) I headed up to Glendale to visit my oldest friend in the world, his wife, and kids.
After a brief hi and bye with his wife and kids, Robert and I headed out to Joshua Tree National Park to camp overnight (best/worst idea).
The weather did two wonderful things while we were there:
- During the day it stayed slightly above the freezing point, while delivering ferocious wind that made it feel like it was below freezing.
- During the night the wind subsided (yay)but it dipped well below freezing (boo).
Weather aside, Joshua Tree is absolutely gorgeous. You should go visit sometime.
My next stops are Death Valley National Park and Great Sand Dunes National Park. Until then!
Los Angeles To Columbia
Since I fell behind (surprise, surprise) on keeping track of my adventure, this one will be lengthier than the previous posts. Coast to coast here we go:
Los Angeles
Upon returning from Joshua Tree, Robert went back home to the wife and kids while I meandered around town buying records and driving for the sake of reacquainting myself with my hometown. Sigh.
After meeting back up for dinner, I crashed on Robert and Leslie’s couch until 5am when I headed out the door and towards Death Valley.
Death Valley National Park
I’d like to officially go on record as saying that Highway 178 leading out of Bakersfield, CA is in my top 3 most amazing drives ever. If you ever get the chance to take that drive, do it.
The rest of the drive to and through Death Valley is incredible. So much so that I failed to realize I was in the park until I was miles outside of it. The entire time I kept thinking to myself “I need to stop getting out and taking so many pictures cause I’m never going to get to the park at this pace.”
Apparently, the park has no entrance station unlike EVERY OTHER NATIONAL PARK EVER (that I’ve been to), so I saw what I needed to see and kept driving towards Vegas.
Las Vegas (And Outside Of)
Meh. Records were absurdly overpriced.
I ended up getting there just as the sun set, and I briefly thought about staying at a hotel and gambling since I’d never done it before but…
I kept driving.
Cutting through the Arizona desert heading towards Paria Canyon Wilderness I almost ran through a…squad of deer (ok, so they’re called a ‘herd’, but ‘squad’ works so much better), froze to death at 0 degree weather, and began driving down a dirt road until I realized how foolish that was at 1:30am. So I kept driving.
Great Sand Dunes National Park (Well, The Drive To)
By the time I got to Kayenta, AZ I was dead tired so I pulled into a gas station, grabbed my sleeping bag, and slept on the same seat I had been in for the past 18–20hrs.
I woke up mid-morning to use the restroom and grab some awful coffee to aid me in my trek towards Great Sand Dunes.
Unfortunately I made the mistake of stopping at Four Corners National Monument so I could say that I had been in four states simultaneously, but after watching an endless line of people posing in the same exact way as the person before them I decided to continue on.
On this drive from AZ to CO I learned how to drive in icy conditions:
Slow. Real slow.
I’d have to say that cutting across the Rio Grande National Forest during wintertime was the most terrifying experience of this trip.
Once again, I found myself in a “hey I probably shouldn’t be doing this in a Honda Civic” situation (see: unintentional off-roading in Big Bend NP), but myself and the car pulled through despite slipping and sliding up and down mountain roads.
I ended up spending the night at a Holiday Inn in Alamosa, CO where I ate delicious Taco Bell and slept like a baby on a king-sized bed.
Great Sand Dunes National Park
Going into the park and seeing the dunes from afar I thought the hike up to the High Dune was going to be a piece of cake. I was so wrong.
What I was up against:
- 699ft of sand
- 20–30 degree weather
- Wind
- Wind blowing sand into my eyes
- Wind freezing water on my mustache
- More wind
- More sand
Upon making it to the top I realized why it was worth it. No words.
24 Hours To Mammoth Cave National Park
I can now say that I’ve driven for 24 hours straight — Great Sand Dunes NP in Colorado to Mammoth Cave NP in Kentucky.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t as terrible as it sounds.
Unlike some of my other drives where I began hallucinating and nodding off, my body went into overdrive and allowed me to once again do things I probably shouldn’t have been doing.
My timing couldn’t have been more perfect since I ended up driving through Kansas at night, which meant I missed endless miles of empty fields but saw an infinite number of stars decorating a pitch-black sky.
I will say that it is weird to be able to smell cows but not see them though.
The rest of the drive was fairly uneventful save for trying to stop in St. Louis to see the Arch but not doing so, and failing to realize I had to drive through Illinois and Indiana to get to my destination.
Mammoth Cave National Park
I thought about camping through the night at the park but upon arriving at the campground and realizing how cold it was and how underprepared for cold-weather camping I was…I ended up at another motel.
This was at 3pm on Dec. 31st. I proceeded to fall asleep until 9am the next day, effectively missing the New Year coming in. Oh well.
In the morning I drove back into the park and took a tour of the cave, which was fun but left me feeling like there was so much more of it that I wanted to explore. I’m hoping to return this summer and take a more extensive tour, as well as camp and do river activities.
Home.
It had been two weeks since I embarked on my adventure, so needless to say I was ready to be home.
The drive from Mammoth Cave to Columbia, SC was a fairly easy 8 hour trip (including a coffee stop in Nashville,TN).
The highlights of the drive:
- Startling an older gentleman at a gas station with a highly audible “oh shit!” upon realizing I threw my keys in the trash instead of the actual trash.
- Getting wired off a combination of coffee and Monster. Enough so that I almost convinced myself I could sing like King Diamond. I can’t.
- Pulling into my driveway and realizing my house hadn’t been broken into.
And so at 12:04am on January 2nd, 2016 my adventure had come to an end.
Finale (In Numbers & Lists!)
In Numbers/Lists
- 6,608: number of miles traveled
- 398: dollars spent on gas
- 112: ounces of Monster Energy Drink
- 20: donuts consumed (including mini ones, chill)
- 19: states driven through
- 15: days spent traveling
- 9: breakfast tacos eaten
- 8: times I almost blacked out from trying to sing like King Diamond
- 2: times I was asked if I was an American citizen
- 1: is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
- 0: times I regretted driving across the country and back
- -17: Tennessee highway fatalities in 2015 vs. 2014. I got it the first 49 times, electronic sign.
Most Memorable Place/Best Place To Drive
- Great Sand Dunes NP, CO
- Highway 178, Sequoia National Forest, CA
- Highway 118, Terlingua to Alpine, TX
- Death Valley NP, CA
- Big Bend NP, TX
State Where I Saw The Most Camo (Based On Gas Stations)
1–4. Tennessee: Nashville excluded, is there a law in TN stating that everyone is to don camouflage clothing at all times?
5. Kentucky: due to people coming in/going out of Tennessee.
Place Where I Saw The Most Stars
- Oakley, KS
- Marble Canyon, AZ
- Hollywood Blvd., L.A., CA (the sidewalks, duh)
- Oxford, AL
- Joshua Tree National Park, CA
Worst Place To Drive
- Los Angeles (Hollywood), CA: Ugh. Traffic.
- Los Angeles (Downtown), CA: Ugh. Traffic.
- Rio Grande National Forest, CO: Solely due to icy mountain road.
- Los Angeles (I-10 West), CA: Ugh. Traffic.
- Los Angeles (I-10 East), CA: Ugh. Traffic.
Most Listened To Album
- Slayer: Seasons In The Abyss
- Crucified: Coldest Winter; Darkest Reaches Of The Mind
- Knapsack: Day Three Of My New Life
- Jets To Brazil: Orange Rhyming Dictionary
- Iron Maiden: Brave New World
Albums I Learned To Appreciate
- Kaki King: …Until We Felt Red
- Converge: Jane Doe
- Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes
- Led Zeppelin: Presence
- Metallica: St. Anger (Just kidding. That’ll never happen)
I’d like to thank all my friends and family who directly and indirectly supported me these last couple of weeks.
Every couch, meal, phone call, text, prayer, wish, thought, etc. — I appreciate it all. Without you guys, this trip still would’ve happened but it wouldn’t have been as fun and memorable. Thank you.
